Pronouns are small words that do heavy lifting. When someone shares theirs, they are giving you a map for how to refer to them, and using the right ones is one of the simplest ways to show respect. This guide breaks down how they/them pronouns work, why they matter, and what to do when you slip up.
What They/Them Pronouns Actually Mean
They/them is a set of personal pronouns that some people use instead of, or alongside, he/him or she/her. The full set looks like this: they, them, their, theirs, themself (or themselves). You already use these words every single day. If a friend leaves a bag on the bus and you say, "someone forgot their bag, they will come back for it," you are using they/them in the singular.
When a person uses they/them as their pronouns, you use those same words when you talk about them. "Sam is running late, they just texted me." "Have you seen their new apartment? It is gorgeous." That is the whole thing. Grammar you already know, pointed at a specific person.
★ The Full Pronoun Set
| Subject | they |
| Object | them |
| Possessive determiner | their |
| Possessive pronoun | theirs |
| Reflexive | themself or themselves |
People who use they/them pronouns can be non-binary, genderqueer, genderfluid, agender, trans, questioning, or any number of other identities. Some cisgender people use they/them too. Pronouns and gender are related, but they are not the same thing, and you do not need to know someone's identity to use their pronouns correctly.
Why Getting Pronouns Right Matters
It is not about being politically correct. It is about the basic experience of being seen.
Imagine someone called you by the wrong name every day at work. Not once, not by accident, but constantly, and when you corrected them they sighed or rolled their eyes. That quiet friction adds up. It tells you the person across from you is not really paying attention, or worse, that they do not think your name is worth the effort. Pronouns work the same way.
Research backs this up. A 2022 study published in Transgender Health found that trans and non-binary youth whose pronouns were respected at home reported about a 50 percent lower rate of suicide attempts than those whose pronouns were not. A smaller thing than you might think can have a very big effect.
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1.2M Adults in the U.S. identify as non-binary, according to a 2021 Williams Institute report. Millions more use they/them in some contexts without a formal label. |
Using someone's correct pronouns is not a favor. It is the baseline for treating them like a person. And the good news is that it is a skill anyone can learn, even if the grammar feels new at first.
How to Use They/Them in Sentences
The easiest way to get comfortable is to see a few examples side by side with the he/him and she/her versions you already know.
One thing that trips people up: verb agreement. Even when you are talking about one person, you still use "are" and "were," not "is" and "was." You would say "they are a great cook," the same way you would say "you are a great cook" to a single friend. The pronoun is singular, but the verbs stay plural. English has been doing this with "you" for centuries. "You" used to be strictly plural too.
Practice out loud. Pick a coworker or a friend whose pronouns you know and narrate their day to yourself on your commute. "They walked into the office. They set down their bag. They checked their email." It feels weird for about two days. Then it clicks and stops feeling like work.
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Show Your Support Non-Binary Pride Flag Yellow, white, purple, and black. Designed by Kye Rowan in 2014 to represent people outside the gender binary. Fly it at home or at Pride. Get Yours → |
How to Ask for and Share Pronouns
You do not need a ceremony. In most contexts, a quick mention is enough to open the door, and pointing the door at yourself first takes the pressure off.
| 1 | Share yours first. In an intro, say "I am Jordan, I use she/her, nice to meet you." It normalizes the exchange without putting anyone on the spot. |
| 2 | Ask once, privately. If you need to know and you are not sure, a quiet "what pronouns do you use?" is better than guessing. Do not grill them in a group. |
| 3 | Add them to your signature. Email signatures, Slack profiles, Zoom display names, LinkedIn. Cis allies putting pronouns in their bio takes the signal out of being a red flag. |
| 4 | Default to names when unsure. If you do not know someone's pronouns and cannot easily ask, use their name instead of guessing. "Sam sent an update. Sam will follow up after lunch." |
| 5 | Believe what they tell you. If someone shares they/them, that is it. You do not need an explanation, a backstory, or proof. Just use them. |
Skip questions like "what are your preferred pronouns?" The word "preferred" makes it sound optional, like coffee or tea. Just say "pronouns." Same goes for "what pronouns do you prefer?" Drop the verb, keep the question clean.
What to Do When You Slip Up
You will mess up. Everyone does, including people who have been using they/them for years, including non-binary people themselves. Habits around language run deep and they take time to rewire. The fix is not self-flagellation. It is a quick correction and moving on.
MISTAKE 01
Making the apology about you
A long, guilty speech puts the person you misgendered in the position of comforting you. Short correction. No drama. Move on with the conversation.
MISTAKE 02
Defending the slip-up
"I have known you since you were a kid" or "it is just hard for me" centers your discomfort. The goal is to adjust, not to explain why adjusting is hard.
MISTAKE 03
Avoiding them to avoid messing up
Refusing to talk about or to a person because you are afraid of getting it wrong is worse than getting it wrong. You learn by doing.
MISTAKE 04
Bringing up old pronouns or deadnames
"Back when they were a girl" or using an old name from years ago is not a grammar issue. It is a choice. Use current pronouns even when talking about the past.
MISTAKE 05
Practicing in front of the person
Do not turn conversations into a visible struggle where they can see you hesitate and correct yourself five times. Practice alone, then show up ready.
A clean correction sounds like this: "She, sorry, they, just texted me back about the project." No pause, no speech, no apology loop. You move on. The person you are talking about notices you tried, and that is what sticks.
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Fly Your Colors Genderfluid Pride Flag Pink, white, purple, black, and blue. For people whose gender shifts over time, including many who use they/them alongside other pronouns. Get Yours → |
Using Pronouns at Work and in Public
Work is where a lot of people meet they/them pronouns for the first time, usually because a coworker or new hire shares theirs. You do not need to change how you talk, just how you refer to that one specific person. A few small moves make the whole thing smoother.
If you are the one sharing your pronouns for the first time at a new job, you can keep it casual. "Hey, just so you know, I use they/them" in a Slack DM with your manager is enough. You do not owe anyone a history lesson or an explanation. Your pronouns are a detail, like a food allergy or a nickname. You share it once, people update, and the day continues.
A Quick Note on Neopronouns
Some people use pronouns beyond he, she, and they. Sets like xe/xem, ze/zir, fae/faer, and ey/em are called neopronouns. They are used by a smaller group, but they work the same way: you swap them in where a traditional pronoun would go, and you follow the lead of the person who uses them.
If someone shares neopronouns with you, the same rules apply. Use them. Practice them. Ask once if you need help with the reflexive form or an unfamiliar spelling. You do not have to understand every pronoun set in existence to respect the ones in front of you.
Keep Learning
Pronouns are one piece of a bigger picture. If you want to go deeper, our guide to being a better LGBTQ+ ally covers the habits that turn good intentions into real support. The non-binary pride flag guide walks through the history and meaning behind one of the flags you will see most often at Pride events. And every pride flag and what it means is a full rundown of the identities you will meet in LGBTQ+ spaces.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is "they" really grammatically correct when referring to one person?
Yes. Singular they has been used in English since the 1300s. Chaucer, Shakespeare, and Jane Austen all used it. The Associated Press, Merriam-Webster, and the Chicago Manual of Style all formally accept it.
What do I say if I do not know someone's pronouns?
Use their name. "Riley dropped off the package. Riley said they will be back Tuesday" works, and if you are unsure about that last "they," stick with "Riley will be back Tuesday." Ask privately when you get the chance.
Do only non-binary people use they/them?
No. Some non-binary people use she/her or he/him. Some binary trans and cis people use they/them. Pronouns and gender overlap, but one does not strictly determine the other.
What if I keep messing up?
Practice on your own when the stakes are low. Narrate the person's day in your head or out loud. Watch interviews with non-binary celebrities who use they/them. Repetition rewires the habit.
Is it rude to ask someone what their pronouns are?
Not if you ask once, calmly, and in a context where it is relevant. Sharing yours first is a friendlier move. Asking a stranger in a social setting out of curiosity, with no reason to know, can feel invasive.
What is the difference between "themself" and "themselves"?
Both are accepted. "Themself" is preferred for a singular person using they/them. "Themselves" is still widely used and understood. Pick one and stay consistent.
We also have a deep dive on the genderfluid pride flag.
Some people who use they/them rotate pronouns along with their gender. That is common for genderfluid folks in particular. Our guide to the genderfluid pride flag walks through what that identity actually means and how to show up for the people living it.
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Show Up Loud and Proud Fly a flag, wear the tee, start the conversation. |
